My first post related to the Peace Corps

For a second I almost forgot my emotions. It's amazing how Facebook instantly seduced me into the neverending flow of status updates. Before I opened my computer, I was feeling the most intense pain and fear; the worst I've felt since making this decision over a year ago. Am I making the right choice? Will this make me happier? Will my nephew forgive me for leaving him? Does he understand? Am I leaving for the right reasons?

A year ago, when I officially turned in my application, I was unhappy. I had recently quit an awful job and had no future prospects. I was in a relationship that, even though I am thankful for, had long surpassed its expiration date. In simplest terms, without seeking pity, I was unhappy.

So -  I made a different decision. I joined the Peace Corps. Well, really I applied and 5 months later I was officially accepted. But, let's face it, I was gonna get in. The day that I finally turned in a completed application, I felt nothing. No excitement, no fear. Maybe a bit of anticipation, but really I was still exhausted from the previous school year. I was mostly numb.

Preparing for my interview added a bit of excitement, made the situation seem a bit more real. But only a bit. After all, I didn't wear any shoes for my interview and to the right of my computer screen was a pile of dirty laundry. A week after my interview I was officially accepted and my only thought was Ok, they really did receive my application and that interview wasn't a dream. But that feeling of tangibility was fleeting (transient?) because I had to wait another 4 long months for an invitation. Again, doubts about my placement surfaced. Did my file get lost behind a desk, under a rug? What would I do if no placement was found before September? The later was a favorite question of my parents. One of many questions that I had no answer for.

That invitation did come, and after that many emails and deadlines.  My to-do list got longer very quickly. It's still long, but now I have less distractions. And now, 1 month and 15 days before I leave I am having doubts. Like my parents questions these doubts surfaced in a sneak attack. While  driving home after a fun relaxing night with a friend, my stomach churned and I thought, I'm happy now.  I don't have to go if I don't want to.

And there it was. I'm happy now. The thought was thought and there is no way to unthink it.

I'm still not sure what to do about this thought. But I do know that in 1 month and 15 days I'm going to get on a plane and not come back home for two years. I also know that the reason I have this problem is because one year ago I made a decision that made me happy, and I continued to make more decisions that made me happy.  I accepted two amazing jobs: one for an amazing after-school program, and another as an ESL tutor. I moved home with my family and accepted a third job at a yoga studio. I ended my one relationship and invested time in my friendships. I did lots of yoga and color runs.

Earlier today, I practiced Portuguese as my nephew practiced the piano. I took a moment to realize how happy I was to hear him play, and how happy I was to be learning a new language. That was a good moment.

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I can't leave this post alone. I should be done. Doesn't it just sound beautiful to leave it as "That was a good moment"? If I knew how to edit I would just leave it as is. But something is bothering me. I don't feel like I'm telling you everything. Do you see what I'm not saying? If I was unhappy then,  does that mean I applied because I was unhappy? Therefore, if I am happy now, I should not go?

That can't be good. That can't be healthy.

So these two thoughts won't leave me alone. I was unhappy. Now I'm happy. There they are. I was here. Now I'm leaving. There it is.

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After rereading this post I've realized something positive. I'm no longer numb. Yes, I'm sad to leave my family, friends, jobs, and the positive life that I've built over this year. But that's a good thing! I'm extremely lucky to have such an amazing opportunity in Mozambique. And, I am extremely lucky to feel such gut-wrenching sadness when I think of having to say goodbye to my family and friends.

I just have to keep reminding myself of that.