Blake's eyes showed pure joy in the sky blue pupils as he discussed the New Talavana community. His comfortable attitude made me feel equally at home. The silence was not awkward and the conversation not forced. We were two strangers with one thing in common, we were sharing a ride. Best of all our conversation wasn't a search for anything in common. We were OK with being different. Instead we wanted to learn about each other, for a love of each other, for a love of humanity. We asked questions, told stories, stated beliefs with openness and clarity- well, there was more clarity on his part.
His current state of happiness, of pleasure with the life he built, was obvious in every manner. His eyes, his smile, his laughter- they were all those of a man who was joyous in his beliefs and lifestyle. It was in his voice where the pain of his past revealed itself. Not in the intonation, or volume- anything that was affected by the present reflected his current happiness. It was the harsh chiseled throat, that of a smokers voice that gave Blake away. He had not lived at New Talavana his whole life; his past was not one of purity.
"Are you a part of the religious community here." I usually don't ask about faith, but as we headed toward the Hare Krsna community, it seemed relevant.
"I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I believe he died for our sins and comes to us in various ways."
"Oh," I said, not really understanding what he meant, but I'd learn.
"And you."
I sighed, "Well, I consider myself an atheist, " without stopping I quickly offered an explanation. "But I don't think of atheism as a negative, as a staunch belief that God, of gods, don't exist. Rather, I don't make the claim that either exists or doesn't exist. In it's most basic form atheism, means without, a, religion, theism. And that's how I live my life, without religion." I was out of breath.
"Oh," he said.
He's tall, thin, and - I have difficulty saying 'white' because as a person he is too pure to be associated with the historical imperialist state of "white," so let's say -creamy yellow skin. His skin seems to have enveloped the shine of the sun, seen brighter when he smiles and you look into his calm eyes.
***
Without thinking he picks up two flowers and says, "Choose one."
I, with much thought, finally choose the red one- I've got the white one in my cabin. I stare into the flower, marvel at its simple construction that forms into a complex web of beauty. Petals line-up, one after the other, the outside petals growing in strength, hugging the smaller-inside petals.
I lean in to smell. I breath deeply, welcoming the fresh, natural scent. I look up and Blake is smiling. I try not to look directly at him, I'm unsure of why. I don't want him to catch me looking at him, think I'm attracted to him, think I'm scared of him, think I think he's weird. Really when I look at him, look directly at him - which is rare- I feel happy, and I smile, without thinking about it, it's fascinating to see an individual with so much peace.
"Where'd these come from?"
"I picked them this morning. Then sat here and ate fruit."
I smiled. This morning he woke up, picked roses and ate fruit. Would that give me as much happiness as it gives him? Before I could even formulate the question I've already given the answer, "I could never do this forever," and there it is, I ruin the peace. I look down at the flower he gave me and breath in again, hoping to find peace through my nostrils since my brain just pushed it out again.
"Thank you," I say and walk towards my cabin. I should leave him and his peace alone before I ruin it.
No comments:
Post a Comment